So fresh and so clean, clean…

Or so I wish. Today I go to get in the shower to do my daily wash my ass routine when I notice something is wrong. My bar of Ivory soap is running dangerously thin. I figure I can make this work, I’ll just be gentle with it. Yea well as I’m sure you have figured out by the fact that I am writing this that didn’t work. I went to apply the bar of soap to my high glass dollar store wash cloth and guess what happens? That’s right my friends, the bar of soap crumbles into about 45 different tiny pieces. So here I am with a soap puzzle and a dirty ass. What do I do now?

I quickly survey the shower stall and browse through the 64 different bottles of what the hell ever. Female roomate, what can you do. Anyway I look down and see a green bar of soap. I’m thinking to myself, Irish Spring, not my favorite but its better than this coconut girly body wash crap I’m surrounded with. So I apply the “Irish Spring” to the wash cloth and do society my duty and clean myself with it. After a good lather session I begin to rinse myself off and notice something strange, something that pushes me to the point of 1st degree murder. I’m not feeling clean. I keep rinsing and I still don’t have the squeaky clean feeling I prefer to have, hence why I avoid all the body wash bullshit.

So here I am trying to rinse for the next 10 minutes to get the greasy feeling off of me. The whole time I’m thinking that I know I don’t like Irish Spring, but I know it’s not THAT bad. So I get out and do some investigative reporting in the bathroom cabinets to see what kind of Irish Spring this exactly was. I open the top cabinet and something catches my eye, hits my retna like staring into a solar eclispe directly. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? This isn’t Irish Spring… it… says… “Dove Cool Moisture Beauty Bar“! It all makes sense now. I have been forced to use WOMAN soap under the guise of being a semi not so ok man soap. Even worse it says “Cucumber And Green Tea Scent”. CUCUMBER AND FUCKING TEA! Great now for the rest of the damn day I’m gonna smell like a Starbucks salad bar!

Since the feeling I get with this soap after “washing” or should I say frying I have decided to help Dove redesign the box for this “soap” to better state what it really makes me feel like. As of this moment I am never going to ever use an unidentified soap. If my supply of real soap Ivory is running low or depleted I’m just not gonna shower. I don’t care if I just finished working a double shift down at the OK Corral shoveling horse shit. I’d rather smell like ass than ever get out of the shower feeling like I just took a swim in McDonald’s friers.